IT BEGGINNETH HERE
More Mild Misadventures of Gunk the Goblin
If you missed the previous episode, here is a recap:
Outside the Goblin Cave
Guard Goblin: Halt! Who goes there? You know the rules—no cave for hillside riffraff!
Hillside Goblin: It’s me, Gunk! I came to warn you lot—there’s a band of adventurers on their way to slaughter every goblin in this cave! You’ve gotta let me in!
Guard Goblin: Oh, sure, Gunk. Just like last week when you said the cave was haunted, and it turned out to be you under a sheet moaning, “OoOoOo, I’m the Goblin King”?
Hillside Goblin: That was funny, though. C’mon, Glint, I’m serious this time!
Guard Goblin: Serious? Like the time you swore there was gold in the stream, and when we checked, it was just a pile of yellow pebbles you painted?
Hillside Goblin: They looked convincing in the sunlight!
Guard Goblin: Or that “magic wand” you sold to Snork, which turned out to be a stick covered in glitter?
Hillside Goblin: Snork still can’t get over that sparkle curse. Look, this is different—adventurers are real! They’ve got swords and fireballs and—one of them’s got a book! You know nothing good comes from a book!
Guard Goblin: Nice try. Next you’ll tell me they’ve got a wizard who’s allergic to goblins but came anyway out of pure spite.
Hillside Goblin: THEY DO! How did you know that?! He sneezed and vaporized a tree on the way up here!
Guard Goblin: Uh-huh. And I suppose they’re riding a dragon that just happened to stop for tea in the valley?
Hillside Goblin: No, just a giant bear—wait, do you hear growling?
Guard Goblin: You’re not fooling me, Gunk. Go back to your hill and—hey, what’s that shadow?
Hillside Goblin: Oh, no! It’s the bear! I told you! RUN!
Guard Goblin: …Why is it holding a teacup?!
(Chaos ensues as the adventurers and their tea-loving bear charge the cave, and Gunk smirks in the background, muttering, “Told ya.”)
To Be Continued…
He Warned ‘Em
The tree wasn’t comfortable, but it was safe. Well, safer. Gunk clung to the highest branch that would hold him, peering through the leaves as the chaos erupted in the goblin cave below.
“Ha! I warned ’em,” he muttered to himself, ducking slightly as a fireball whooshed out of the cave entrance. The light from the blast lit up the forest around him, and he could just make out the forms of adventurers charging in. There was the wizard—his sneeze echoed even louder than his spells—and the bear, which was somehow even bigger in person and still clutching that ridiculous teacup.
“Adventurers and tea? What kind of world is this?” Gunk muttered. He watched the bear swat away a goblin, who went flying into a nearby tree like a sack of turnips. “Oof. Sorry, Grinkle. You deserved better.”
Inside the cave, he could hear the clanging of swords, the screech of goblins, and an alarming number of shouts like, “WHO LEFT THESE MARBLES EVERYWHERE?” That’d be Tunk’s idea of defense. Typical cave goblins, always thinking too small.
The wizard sneezed again, and a blast of magic made the ground quake. A moment later, Glint the guard came scrambling out of the cave, his helmet on backward, yelling, “Gunk! GUNK! You were right! Help us!”
Gunk crossed his arms. “Oh, NOW I’m worth listening to? Didn’t seem to matter when I was warning you about certain doom!”
Glint tripped on a root and sprawled face-first into the dirt. He popped up again, sputtering, “You could’ve tried harder to convince us!”
“I was very convincing!” Gunk shouted. “You’re just a terrible listener!”
Another fireball exploded, and Gunk felt the heat even up in his tree. He glanced back at the cave entrance, where the adventurers were driving goblins deeper inside like frightened bats. The bear roared and charged in after them, splintering the main support beam with one swing of its paw.
The cave groaned ominously.
“Oh, that’s not good,” Gunk muttered, shifting uncomfortably as a large chunk of rock tumbled from the entrance. He could already hear the goblins inside panicking, yelling things like, “Save the mushrooms!” and “This is all Gunk’s fault!”
The whole cave was caving in. Gunk winced as a plume of dust erupted, the adventurers and goblins alike scrambling out just before the entire entrance collapsed.
“Well,” Gunk said, watching as Glint stumbled toward him, covered in dirt and mushroom bits. “Looks like you’re all hillside goblins now.”
Glint scowled up at him. “You could’ve warned us the cave would collapse too!”
Gunk leaned back against the tree trunk, grinning. “Guess I just wasn’t convincing enough.”
To be continued…
Spoons
The surviving goblins, dusty, battered, and thoroughly demoralized, gathered in a ragged group on a rocky outcrop above the wreckage of their former home. They watched as the adventurers marched triumphantly down the hillside, their bear companion plodding along behind them, now carrying what looked suspiciously like a sack of stolen goblin loot.
“Unbelievable,” muttered Glint, slumped against a boulder with his helmet still on backward. “They didn’t even need the bear. That thing was just overkill.”
“I told you it was overkill!” Gunk piped up from where he sat cross-legged on a fallen log, smirking smugly. “But noooo, Gunk’s just the ‘lying hillside goblin.’ Can’t trust a word outta his mouth!”
The other goblins glared at him, though they were too tired to argue.
“They took everything,” moaned Grinkle, who was nursing a bruised arm and cradling a single, slightly squished mushroom. “The shiny rocks, the mushroom barrels, the cursed spoon collection…”
“Oh, come on,” Gunk said, rolling his eyes. “The spoon collection cursed us more than anyone else. You should be thanking them for taking it.”
Grinkle sniffled. “But I liked the spoons.”
As the adventurers grew smaller in the distance, the goblins’ grumbling turned into murmured complaints.
“What’re we supposed to do now?” someone muttered. “The cave’s gone.”
“And all our stuff!”
“And the mushrooms!”
“You’ve got the whole hillside!” Gunk said brightly, throwing his arms wide. “Plenty of trees, rocks, nice open skies—fresh start for all you former cave-dwellers.”
The goblins turned to glare at him again, and Glint stood, wincing as he brushed dirt off his armor. “You think this is funny, Gunk? If you hadn’t been such a troublemaker, we’d never have kicked you out, and maybe we’d have taken you seriously for once.”
“If you’d listened to me for once, we might still have a cave!” Gunk shot back, standing up on his log. “But nooo, I’m the bad guy for thinking ahead.”
Glint growled, pointing an accusing finger. “You’re not the bad guy. You’re the annoying guy!”
“Better to be annoying than flattened under a bear!” Gunk retorted. “Besides, I saved you all in my own roundabout way!”
“Saved us?” screeched Grinkle. “We’re homeless and broke!”
“And alive!” Gunk yelled, arms flailing. “You’re welcome!”
The goblins grumbled and muttered, but no one had the energy to argue anymore. They sat in sullen silence as the adventurers finally disappeared into the trees below.
“Well,” said Gunk after a long pause, “if it makes you feel any better, they didn’t take everything.”
“What’re you talking about?” Glint asked suspiciously.
Gunk grinned and pulled a sack out from behind his log. “While you lot were busy getting flattened and fireballed, I snagged some stuff from the supply nook. Look! Mushrooms! Some shiny rocks! And… uh… one spoon.”
The goblins’ eyes widened as they crowded around the sack.
“Gunk,” Glint said slowly, “you might be the most annoying goblin alive…”
“…but we’ll take it,” finished Grinkle, snatching the mushroom.
Gunk smirked as they rifled through the sack, muttering among themselves. “See? Stick with me, and we’ll rebuild. Hillside goblins! New name, new beginnings. Maybe even a new cave someday!”
“Don’t push your luck,” Glint muttered, but Gunk could tell his heart wasn’t in it.
Above them, the sun was setting over the hillside, and the goblins settled in to regroup, a little battered but still standing. For now, that was enough.
To Be Continued…
Junk
The adventurers trudged down the hillside, their armor clinking and boots crunching over loose rocks. The wizard sneezed loudly, nearly toppling over under the weight of his spellbook.
“For the love of the gods, Merrick,” said the fighter, a burly woman with a scar running down her cheek. “How many times are you going to sneeze today? You’re worse than the bear.”
“Not my fault!” Merrick said indignantly, adjusting his crooked glasses. “The goblins reeked of mold and… I don’t even know what else. Do they roll in swamp muck for fun?”
“Probably,” the rogue said with a smirk, flipping a shiny dagger between his fingers. “But hey, it’s a small price to pay for this haul. I mean, look at this stuff! I didn’t know goblins had a taste for fine silverware.”
Behind him, the bear lumbered along, the enormous sack of loot slung over its back. Every now and then, it glanced at the rogue as if contemplating whether to eat him.
“Goblins don’t have a taste for it,” the fighter said. “They steal it from travelers. We’re just… repossessing it.”
The rogue shrugged. “Loot’s loot.”
The cleric, walking a few paces behind the group, cleared her throat. “We’re losing focus. Shouldn’t we be talking about what we actually accomplished here? The goblin problem is dealt with, for now. But did anyone else think it was weird how quickly we found that cave?”
“Not weird,” Merrick said, adjusting his hat. “We had help. That goblin, what was his name? Skunk? Junk?”
“Gunk,” said the fighter. “Yeah, that was suspiciously easy. He gave us the exact location, told us about their defenses. If you can call marbles and sticks defenses. And then just… disappeared.”
The rogue snorted. “I told you, he probably ran off to loot the cave while we were fighting. Goblins are greedy little bastards.”
“Or,” said the cleric, narrowing her eyes, “he used us to wipe out his rivals. What if he wanted the cave for himself?”
The group fell silent, considering this. Even the bear looked contemplative, though that might have just been the sunlight hitting its teacup.
“Well,” the fighter said after a moment, “if that’s the case, I hope he enjoys it. Because we left that cave in shambles. Did you see how it collapsed? There’s no way anyone’s moving back in.”
“Maybe,” said the rogue. “But goblins are crafty. If Gunk survived, he’ll come up with something.”
Merrick sneezed again, startling the bear. “He’d better not. If I have to smell another goblin-infested hole in the ground, I’m going to lose it.”
The cleric sighed. “Either way, we should keep an eye out. If Gunk’s still alive, he might come looking for us. You know how goblins are with grudges.”
The rogue chuckled. “You’re worried about a single goblin with no cave, no weapons, and no loot? I think we’ll be fine.”
As they disappeared into the trees, none of them noticed the small figure perched on a distant rock, watching them with a toothy grin.
“Come looking for you?” Gunk muttered to himself, clutching his sack of scavenged loot. “Nah. You’ll be back soon enough. And when you are…” He glanced over at the ragged group of goblins behind him, already bickering over the single spoon.
“…we’ll be ready.”
To Be Continued…